And then I caught myself

singing out loud a deep and depressive song about finding somebody just like someone. almost cryin' singing and playing my sweet guitar. yeah, this guitar catches me like no one can.

nevermind i'll find someone like you, i wish nothing but the best for you, too. don't 4get me, i bet that i'll remember you say: sometimes it lasts in love but, sometimes, it hurts instead.

yeah, it hurts instead when it should be delighful.

Almost like karma

Still thinking about my straight ideals - but not heterosexual feelings, note -, today I caught myself into a really old trip while I was waiting the green light on the semaphore way back home from work.
I went back to my 20 years old. It was new year's eve, my best friend at time - a dyke, of course - took me out to an opeb bar party. It was nice: I was broken hearted, so drinking untill almos dying was a pretty good idea.
(don't judge me: I was living in a rockstar dream, with crazy dreams and drunk dancings, with no consequwnces at all. We will talk about it later)
Then I met a guy and we hanged out at that nite. Yeas, a boy. The first boy I was kissing in a long, long time. He was like four or five yeara older than me. It was ok. He took me back home and we agreed to see each other in another moment.
And we did it. But we had just two more dates. I wasn't in that move. And, ya know, a boy has to be almost a girl to take me to bed - I mean, kind, sensive, gentle, intelligent and, specially, with no hair on body. That's just disgusting!
But I think the guy was falling for me.
Some nite, when I was in a house party (yeas, more parties!) he sent me a message:
"I would adore writing 'love' in your arms and printing a ring on your finger"
(refering to the "To write love in her arms" movement - we can also talk about it later)
Why?
Because it's the straight ideal. Relationship, love, ring, commitment, etc.
I love it.
But, of course, not with this or any man.

There were people that wanted to put rings on my fingers and walk hand in hand. And I didn't wanted them.
Now I wanna do the same with someone who doesn't wanna this level of commitment.

How cruel ia that?

It's almost like a karma.

I know there’s nothing wrong for being who or what(ever) I am and that He makes no mistakes at all but...

I don’t know how I was born gay. I mean, I know there’s nothing wrong for being who or what(ever) I am and that He makes no mistakes at all but, even almost 10 year dating girls and living this life, I still think about it.

A few weeks ago I realized I’m gay with heterosexual ideals. That’s the short way to explain my desires.

I know that today is really better than my grandma’s times, when homosexuals used to be murderer, but it’s still too much asking for a hundred percent normal life.

I have these ideals, these delirious desires of having an old time lifelike.

Almost every girl in the whole fucking world was born dreaming. Dreaming with a lot of topics from our ‘occidental culture guide’.

I skipped a lot of this guide’s chapters. Like 15 years prom, graduation big party, etc. But there are some situations I wouldn’t like skipping.

I mean, which girl doesn’t wanna get engaged, married, have kids, family or any of this couple stuff?

I do.

But I just realized it’s almost impossible to people like me. And I don’t mean “gay people”, like me.

I mean literally, like me.